On Love & War

Love and war. I know a little about both subjects, and just when I was convinced that war was the easier way to go, just waiting for the next mission I would be called up for or even volunteer for, love appeared. Oh, cynical heart! Why would we allow ourselves to fall into sweet, sticky love when we already know the outcome? It's the same. It's ALWAYS the same. New and fun and sweet, but soon it's the growing pains and compromises. Sacrifices that we make to what we want and how we feel because we feel we can make it work if we we just give up this one thing or one way of thinking. Before we know it we've given up so much for the sake of the relationship that we've lost ourselves. Avoiding things we once loved or walking on eggshells to avoid a confrontation. ACCEPTING LESS THAN WE DESERVE.

Now, here we are: unhappy, but afraid that maybe THIS is all there is, or that maybe that we are just so screwed up that we don't feel like we can do any better. At some point, we decide that we can be miserable and lonely on our own, and who needs a relationship for that? Now we have to find a way to extricate ourselves with as little complication or hostility as possible. It seems nearly impossible the longer you've been together and more things you have jointly: property, houses, vehicles, furniture, personal effects, children... You know, the usual stuff of life. Guilt, anger, anguish, fear, second guessing... It sucks, and I would rather stab myself in the eye than go through it, but it needs to be done if it's not right...

Let's talk about the word "potential" for a minute here. Potential is a dangerous word and an even more dangerous way of thinking. As a woman I think in terms of potential. In buying a house I see the potential even if it isn't EXACTLY what I want, but with a little money and sweat, I can have the master suite I always wanted, the open kitchen, even the pool in the backyard. We see men the same way: with a little time, love and pressure applied just the right way (up to and including manipulation), and he will be our dream man: no bad habits, sweet, thoughtful, faithful.... The problem with potential is that we tend to have those rose colored glasses on and see things the way we want them to be instead of the way they really are. One day we wake up and realize that the person on the other side of the bed is NEVER going to change. It's not their fault, it's ours for our pompous delusions that WE could change them. So I say, to hell with potential!

Where does that leave us when we decide that we aren't going to settle for something that's wrong? Maybe we decide that we are tired of trying. Relationships take work, but crap! Why am I killing myself to please someone who can't be pleased? So I quit. I'm done with relationships. Don't need one, don't want one, too much work! Going to be single and stay single.

Let's talk about the word "soulmate". Pure B.S. Sappy crap a guy says to get his way whatever that may be. Sorry if I sound cynical, but I've never believed in soulmates. I thought it was a sweet sentiment, but there are plenty of people that I can be perfectly compatible with. There isn't one person out there that I am perfectly matched with, so I just have to decide what I'm willing to live with and without. Yup. No such thing as a "soulmate". And then God decided to prove me wrong...

The first time I met him I didn't look at him with the eyes of someone on the hunt for love. I was adjusting to being single and he was WAAAAAY off limits for a multitude of reasons, but he was handsome and charming... and smart and witty... and sweet and interesting... and attentive and wonderful and amazing... BUT he was still WAAAAAY off limits for a multitude of reasons, so I never allowed myself to think of him that way. Within 2 days he managed to find a way to get my phone number and the texts started coming. They have yet to stop, and I'm not complaining. Never in my life have I ever met anyone like him. He gets me and I get him. The connection I feel with him is absolutely unreal. I was thinking about it this morning and the connection we share is how I always imagined twins to be connected. He's in my head - reading my thoughts, in my heart - causing it's disjointed thundering... I love him with my soul and I would go anywhere, do anything, find any way to be with him. When I look at him I see my future. He is mine and I am his and I know that he was made just for me by God Himself. Maybe He decided I've seen enough war...